I'm Not Gay

I'm not gay


I'm not gay.

It's not like I don't know some people think it. It's not like I don't see the questioning looks. It's not like I've never been asked. But I'm not.

I'm not gay.

People sometimes get that impression when I'm around Logan. Sometimes Logan thinks it too. There're all wrong.

I'm not gay.

I don't love Logan Mitchell. Not in that way. It's just friendship. All of it is just friendship.

The way I talk to him is normal. Giving him special nicknames is just a friend thing. Calling him Logie isn't weird.

It's not gay.

It doesn't matter that I'm the only one allowed to call him Logie. Carlos and James are allowed to call him Loganator. As the best friend I deserve to have an extra nickname for him.

I'm not gay.

I always prefer my hands be on him. An arm slung around his shoulder, a hand on his shoulder, a hand on his knee.

But it's not gay.

I do it for Carlos and James. Just because it's not as much, doesn't mean anything. I just like Logan to know I'm there. It's just reassurance. It's not a possessive gesture. I just want other people to know he's not alone. That if they hurt him I'm going to make them regret it. I'm just his friend.

I'm not gay.

Holding him doesn't mean anything.

It's not gay.

When we watch horror movies that make him scared it's just common courtesy to pull him into my lap and wrap my arms around him. I just want him to know I'll protect him. It's what any good friend would do. Carlos and James cling to each other during the scary parts, so what's the difference if he's on my lap?

I'm not gay.

When I lie down in his bed instead of mine at night, it's not gay.

It's not gay.

Sometimes the air conditioner gets turned down to low and it is cold. Who cares if I cuddle with him for warmth? The extra blankets are all the way in my mom's room. Besides I don't want to disturb her and Katie. Why would I when Logan's bed is just a couple of feet away from mine?

It's not gay.

Wanting to sleep in his bed means nothing. Both of us have pretty nasty nightmares on occasion, but when we're together at night they don't happen. It's simply a precaution. If you suffered from cancer and had the cure, wouldn't you take it? Of course. I don't do it because I like to feel his body against mine.

I'm not gay.

Kissing him definitely isn't gay.

A kiss on the head is nothing. It's what Mom does for me and I do for Katie and Logan. It's showing him he's important; that he's part of the family. I don't do it because it's intimate.

It's not gay.

A kiss on the lips is just so we can be connected. It's not like I do it for pleasure. He's my best friend, wanting to connect with him isn't wrong. It's just a way to be closer to him. Don't all friends want to keep each other close?

I'm not gay.

Kissing for long periods of time while our hands move all over each other, that's not gay either. I just want to know him fully. I want to know every crevice of his body. I want to know how his body works; it'll help me know him better. That's all.

It's not gay.

It's okay to want to make him feel good. It's okay to do it physically. After a long day when he's tired, I just want to show him I care. It isn't anything more than that.

I'm not gay.

And sex is just all of these things put together. It's a way to experience all of these things at once. And if all of the other things aren't gay, than neither is sex.

It's not gay.

It's a comfort. It's just something we do as friends. All we are is friends. That's why it's not cheating.

I'm not gay.

Shouting that I love him during sex isn't gay. I don't mean it in that way. It's meant in a friendship way. I love him as a best friend. People say it outside of sex and mean it platonically, so why can't it be said during sex platonically? It can be.

It's not gay.

That's how I mean it. Because I love Jo that way. The feelings are different. I love Jo. I do. Things are good with Jo. Things with Logan aren't better. They aren't. They just have a more intense feeling because I've known him longer. They'll come with Jo. They will. I love her.

I'm not gay.

The way Logan yelled at me today doesn't prove anything. He's just confused.

"Why can't you admit you're gay! I'm not asking you to tell the world Kendall! I'm asking you to tell me! I'm asking you to say what we both already know!"

He's wrong.

"How can you tell me you love me, but not admit you're gay? Friends don't act like we do Kendall. It's okay to say it; I'll help you through it. I love you Kendall."

I'm not gay.

I can't be.